Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that off my chest, I’ll start blogging more frequently again. May as well spit these words into the void, instead of keeping them trapped and eating at me.
It’s been 2 years, since I wrote that and they have absolutely destroyed me. We’ve all lived in the shadow of what came immediately after that last post, fatefully titled ‘What Even Matters‘. While those two years have been enough to deal with, what I’ve had to live with for the past 18 months has been so much more potent at undermining my very being. But I’m still here and I’m going to be for a long time.
On 8:24PM August 18th, 2020, I was robbed at gunpoint, while at work. I’m still struggling with the PTSD and other fallout from what occurred that night in a matter of minutes. It wasn’t the first time I’ve had a firearm pointed at me, but something from this situation has broken my ability to exist around strangers. It’s only been in the last few months, that I realized what has left me so unsettled and broken; I survived an execution. After the individual grabbed the money, I was marched to the bathroom where I was instructed to get on my knees, and had the gun pointed at my head while he requested my phone.
The helplessness of the situation lingers in my mind, and I can’t stay still or deal with people on a day to day basis without possibly having a panic attack now. I can barely handle grabbing groceries or visiting with friends. I’ve found that I can’t relate to my friends as much, or they can’t relate to me in this situation.
I spent a few months in therapy, but week after week the appointments became the same thing, where I’d discuss a new thing I’d learned but was still beholden to others in trying to find employment and struggling. I’m still unemployed after all this time even though that’s what I really need to find normalcy.
Now I Execute
All I’ve had to focus on is taking care of my family, and the things I could learn to help me execute even better. I’ve explored so many things, because all I can do is execute on the small things. I don’t have the resources left to execute on scale. I launched Friendhaven on my birthday last year, but still haven’t invited anyone or made it publicly available to others because I can’t provide the sustainable platform I want to in my current position. I hope to see people there soon.
Through it all, I keep my head up and trudge through the shit. I may get frustrated or anxious, but I have so much to give to the world still that I can’t give up. Like Don Quixote tilting against giants, I’m resilient and will continue to challenge the adversity I face. I’m going to fight until the end.
Will I come back to write more here, I don’t know? There’s only been 3 posts in the past 8 years. But I’m still here, so there’s definitely a chance that I’ll keep coming back for more if I need to get something off my chest.