What Even Matters

My ability to enjoy life, has been compromised. And it is by my own accord and not. 2 weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. And with it all the passions I had faded into anger, not at him, God, or anyone else. The anger was all at myself, and my selfish mistakes, I do not have regrets, but I regret those mistakes. I just can’t feel anything else outside of sadness and anger, and have noone to talk to about anything.

That’s where the blog ended, 5 years ago. It was the beginning of a long ongoing collapse. I don’t know if I’ll ever have my life back. To be honest, with all the things in the past few years, there’s nothing left anymore.

At that time I was working side-by-side with a group of unimaginably talented, that a kid from WV could hardly have dreamed of. And I miss it more than anything, we may not have succeeded, but some of the ideas have come out, and I still feel like what we were working on is something missing. But at the same time when that part of the story came to a halt, I ended up in a weird spot where consumer tech in general just looks poor (even 5 years later) compared to what I glimpsed there. And so I disconnected to try and find some space.

Having no tangible elements to show from all those years of defunct products and small teams, is the worst thing. I spent a year looking for a job in the tech industry after that, and every once in a while I check, but my skills have atrophied so much after being boxed out I feel like an impostor. And yet I look at he current landscape, I realize it’s just a few weeks to get running, like it was with any project way back. I just need a task that means something that I can dig into.

In spite of being able to find a position as software engineer, I took a job back home to help a family friend out 3 months after leaving California. And it’s been rough, it doesn’t pay 1/5th of what I was making, I have had to lift the business on my back and handle the technical and bookwork as well as the other duties and covering shifts that weren’t otherwise filled. It’s been a tough time managing life and that, let alone trying to get back in tech when I have even less to show. And then about a year ago, that friend ended his life at the business and I was asked to review and document the video tapes by the cops.

That killed me, I can’t sleep, and the only thing that helps is focusing on problems and solving them. The whole thing that drew me into software and product development to begin with, except my imagination, passion, and free thought is impaired from the trauma, so personal projects are hard to focus on because “what even matters”.

I’ve lucked out through life, and the past 5 years have just been some of the worst luck ever. I feel like I’m nearing the end, and just keep hanging on for those around me. I know what I need, but have no clue how to achieve what I need anymore. I just mentally can’t balance trying to fight through the fucking tech hiring process anymore, I just want to be given stuff to work on, because I know I can do it. I’ve had friends ask for help a few times in the past few years, and those moments where I actually just get to help and use my brain to do the job has been wonderful.

And I could probably keep expanding this, but I’m tired. My world has collapsed, in every aspect, and continues to shrink and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going. I’m just doing what I must for my family. I just wish I could go back and make that product a success from 5 years ago.

Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that off my chest, I’ll start blogging more frequently again. May as well spit these words into the void, instead of keeping them trapped and eating at me.