It’s been a long time, but there have been reasons, some which you can see in my last post, from February.
The past year can be summed up as pretty much a slog that drained me of time and energy, and left me with nothing. Not that cool things haven’t happened, but it’s been a miserable time, and I had to make decisions that had me forsaking everything I cared about. I’m not me anymore.
January had a lot going on, when I was essentially left in charge of operating the local bookstore, due to matters of health with the people I worked with. Then there were family issues and other stresses basically made me want to stop everything. I came to SF, tech’s global center, just to take a break and decompress while having some meetings. I didn’t think about it when I had booked my flights, but I missed my mom’s birthday.
February, I was still operating the bookstore mostly by myself, though the other employee did come back mid-month and things got a little easier. Then I had an interview, but the day of our little dog passed away. I still miss her, because she was my comfort when I was sad.
March, I started working remotely and was probably the peak of my happiness for the year. With the remote work I had to shelve what I was working on in my spare time, due to possible conflicts of interest.
April, I accidentally let my hosting lapse, and lost this blog and some other services that are still not back, much to my sadness. I just never had the time or the resources to fix the issues.
May, this was defined a lot by prep work and failure for a friend’s bachelor party and wedding. Overall the weekend was good, but on my way out, I got news that my great-grandmother had died. I ended up getting home, doing laundry, and getting right back on the road for a funeral.
June, the remote work was paused, so I started working on some interesting stuff of my own, which I’ve pretty much not touched since. Two weeks after my great-grandmother passed, her son passed as well, but I couldn’t make that funeral as I was too busy at the bookstore.
July, at the beginning of the month remote work starts again, and my boss at the bookstore comes back from the absence. July was a struggle with logistics and trying to figure out how everything would work.
August, I stayed just long enough for my birthday, and then left for SF instead of working remotely. A place I find depressingly cold and uncomforting to the very way of I life that I find enjoyment in. Though the job was enough of a distraction for the time.
September, I put the blog back up. I meant to post then, but I’ve been cautious about what I post. In the middle of the month, I found out our other dog passed away.
October, I got out of the city for the first time in the middle of the month, and I was so happy to see trees and A MOUNTAIN, ONE FREAKING MOUNTAIN. I still miss the mountains. Then a day later, I find out my godfather passed away. I ended up going home for the funeral, and spent the entire week on the road or with family and friends. It was refreshing considering I don’t really have any friends here.
November, was pretty mediocre and not much happened, though I did go home for Thanksgiving, though it was mostly ruined by my emotional connection to work. I stayed depressed the whole time I was there.
December, has been so-so, the work stuff still lingers in how I act. But it also lingers in the constant thought of where I want to be. And as much as I can enjoy the work, the city life has destroyed any passion. I fucking hate it here and maybe I should have gone home for Christmas, just to get out. Then my great uncle passed away before Christmas, and he was one of my favorite people in the world. He was just so lively, and could tell a story like nobody else.
And through all of this, I’ve been so emotionally drawn out, that a lot of my friends who are going through even worse things in their lives, aren’t getting the attention they deserve from me, because I don’t have the energy. I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost my friends. I’ve lost my home. I’ve even lost myself. I think, I need to think through my priorities and probably go back to my roots. And what makes me sad, except for all the deaths, I got what I wanted/needed at the end of last year.