My ability to enjoy life, has been compromised. And it is by my own accord and not. 2 weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. And with it all the passions I had faded into anger, not at him, God, or anyone else. The anger was all at myself, and my selfish mistakes, I do not have regrets, but I regret those mistakes. I just can’t feel anything else outside of sadness and anger, and have noone to talk to about anything.

That’s where the blog ended, 5 years ago. It was the beginning of a long ongoing collapse. I don’t know if I’ll ever have my life back. To be honest, with all the things in the past few years, there’s nothing left anymore.

At that time I was working side-by-side with a group of unimaginably talented, that a kid from WV could hardly have dreamed of. And I miss it more than anything, we may not have succeeded, but some of the ideas have come out, and I still feel like what we were working on is something missing. But at the same time when that part of the story came to a halt, I ended up in a weird spot where consumer tech in general just looks poor (even 5 years later) compared to what I glimpsed there. And so I disconnected to try and find some space.

Having no tangible elements to show from all those years of defunct products and small teams, is the worst thing. I spent a year looking for a job in the tech industry after that, and every once in a while I check, but my skills have atrophied so much after being boxed out I feel like an impostor. And yet I look at he current landscape, I realize it’s just a few weeks to get running, like it was with any project way back. I just need a task that means something that I can dig into.

In spite of being able to find a position as software engineer, I took a job back home to help a family friend out 3 months after leaving California. And it’s been rough, it doesn’t pay 1/5th of what I was making, I have had to lift the business on my back and handle the technical and bookwork as well as the other duties and covering shifts that weren’t otherwise filled. It’s been a tough time managing life and that, let alone trying to get back in tech when I have even less to show. And then about a year ago, that friend ended his life at the business and I was asked to review and document the video tapes by the cops.

That killed me, I can’t sleep, and the only thing that helps is focusing on problems and solving them. The whole thing that drew me into software and product development to begin with, except my imagination, passion, and free thought is impaired from the trauma, so personal projects are hard to focus on because “what even matters”.

I’ve lucked out through life, and the past 5 years have just been some of the worst luck ever. I feel like I’m nearing the end, and just keep hanging on for those around me. I know what I need, but have no clue how to achieve what I need anymore. I just mentally can’t balance trying to fight through the fucking tech hiring process anymore, I just want to be given stuff to work on, because I know I can do it. I’ve had friends ask for help a few times in the past few years, and those moments where I actually just get to help and use my brain to do the job has been wonderful.

And I could probably keep expanding this, but I’m tired. My world has collapsed, in every aspect, and continues to shrink and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going. I’m just doing what I must for my family. I just wish I could go back and make that product a success from 5 years ago.

Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that off my chest, I’ll start blogging more frequently again. May as well spit these words into the void, instead of keeping them trapped and eating at me.

It’s been a long time, but there have been reasons, some which you can see in my last post, from February.

The past year can be summed up as pretty much a slog that drained me of time and energy, and left me with nothing. Not that cool things haven’t happened, but it’s been a miserable time, and I had to make decisions that had me forsaking everything I cared about. I’m not me anymore.

January had a lot going on, when I was essentially left in charge of operating the local bookstore, due to matters of health with the people I worked with. Then there were family issues and other stresses basically made me want to stop everything. I came to SF, tech’s global center, just to take a break and decompress while having some meetings. I didn’t think about it when I had booked my flights, but I missed my mom’s birthday.

February, I was still operating the bookstore mostly by myself, though the other employee did come back mid-month and things got a little easier. Then I had an interview, but the day of our little dog passed away. I still miss her, because she was my comfort when I was sad.

March, I started working remotely and was probably the peak of my happiness for the year. With the remote work I had to shelve what I was working on in my spare time, due to possible conflicts of interest.

April, I accidentally let my hosting lapse, and lost this blog and some other services that are still not back, much to my sadness. I just never had the time or the resources to fix the issues.

May, this was defined a lot by prep work and failure for a friend’s bachelor party and wedding. Overall the weekend was good, but on my way out, I got news that my great-grandmother had died. I ended up getting home, doing laundry, and getting right back on the road for a funeral.

June, the remote work was paused, so I started working on some interesting stuff of my own, which I’ve pretty much not touched since. Two weeks after my great-grandmother passed, her son passed as well, but I couldn’t make that funeral as I was too busy at the bookstore.

July, at the beginning of the month remote work starts again, and my boss at the bookstore comes back from the absence. July was a struggle with logistics and trying to figure out how everything would work.

August, I stayed just long enough for my birthday, and then left for SF instead of working remotely. A place I find depressingly cold and uncomforting to the very way of I life that I find enjoyment in. Though the job was enough of a distraction for the time.

September, I put the blog back up. I meant to post then, but I’ve been cautious about what I post. In the middle of the month, I found out our other dog passed away.

October, I got out of the city for the first time in the middle of the month, and I was so happy to see trees and A MOUNTAIN, ONE FREAKING MOUNTAIN. I still miss the mountains. Then a day later, I find out my godfather passed away. I ended up going home for the funeral, and spent the entire week on the road or with family and friends. It was refreshing considering I don’t really have any friends here.

November, was pretty mediocre and not much happened, though I did go home for Thanksgiving, though it was mostly ruined by my emotional connection to work. I stayed depressed the whole time I was there.

December, has been so-so, the work stuff still lingers in how I act. But it also lingers in the constant thought of where I want to be. And as much as I can enjoy the work, the city life has destroyed any passion. I fucking hate it here and maybe I should have gone home for Christmas, just to get out. Then my great uncle passed away before Christmas, and he was one of my favorite people in the world. He was just so lively, and could tell a story like nobody else.

And through all of this, I’ve been so emotionally drawn out, that a lot of my friends who are going through even worse things in their lives, aren’t getting the attention they deserve from me, because I don’t have the energy. I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost my friends. I’ve lost my home. I’ve even lost myself. I think, I need to think through my priorities and probably go back to my roots. And what makes me sad, except for all the deaths, I got what I wanted/needed at the end of last year.

I mostly secluded myself for a month or so towards the beginning of the year, and have yet to fully unravel from that. What I have noticed is when I did start it though, there was a very distinct shift in the relationships I have. For years, my closest friends have existed on the other side of a monitor for the most part. As I’ve come back to the social world, I’ve reconnected with old friends and acquaintances  that I hadn’t spoken to in at least a half-dozen years.

This shift is interesting to me, and something else I noticed is the network of how I discovered people. Most of the people I know stem from a few choices I made years ago: joining Triiibes in ’08 led to joining Twitter and Ustream in ’08, which eventually led to numerous friendships spawned by mutual relations. Some of those people have remained close, and will remain close, even as things shift about; others drift out of sight.

Unfortunately, the biggest effect that I’ve noticed in the wake of my seclusion is that I became somewhat colder to those I continue to interact with. Even when I absolutely adore them, I just don’t feel that I can positively reach out to them. Sometimes it’s just that I don’t know how anymore. I feel I’ve forgotten part of what made it special, and yet I’ll never forget them.

So if you’re reading this and feel that we haven’t spoken in a while or that I haven’t been as positive as you wish; I do apologize, and do know that I still care. I am currently making some personal changes that will continue to make it hard for me to be more open, or even as open as I once was. I needed to get this off my chest, as the weight of feeling this way was one of the hindrances standing in my way of being more open.

This month began with many doubts and personal issues, following a euphoric period over the holidays, it all seemed to be washing away again. Drifting out with the tide, I slipped into a malaise of depression, that started to fade away going into the second week of the month. Then just before bed in the early morning of January 12th I read something, something I didn’t want to believe; something that left me sleepless: Aaron Swartz Commits Suicide.

It was a hard blow. It knocked me back, back into the malaise, back into thinking and rethinking the same thoughts. Instinctively, I knew it was likely the immense stress from the case that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And yet, I wondered why? In my processing I wrote down two unfinished thoughts.

Successful Men

What is it like for the lives of men who sit idly by as time passes and watch as successful men struggle with failure? What is a successful man’s failure; to not have done more, to have done too much that wasn’t of import, to not know when he has done enough? Where does the successful man draw his line, or does he simply forget that there eventually needs to be a firm line? A line that he doesn’t have to keep punting, further away.

Stones and Metal

It is a triumph of history that we can look back millennia because of how our predecessors constructed their tools. Unlike the tools of today, that will likely fade almost as quickly as they came to be, stone and metal still stands only gently worn or hidden by the world around it. The only chances that we have of continued existence, at the millennial scale, is in our architecture and our cultures. Change has begun to progress at such a pace, even while it may feel glacial to us, that we are outstripping our own history in decades. There will be few who stand out in the test of time.

And here it is the end of the month, and another person’s gone who was out to change the world. I can’t comment personally on Jody Sherman, as I had never heard of him until just the other day. From the stories from his friends, he was a  “successful man” and I’m sure he’ll stand out in the test of time, not in one piece but little bits of him will survive in memories.

I just feel empty and tired. The past month, the whole of the year, has just been rough; every time I seem to get up, something comes and throws me back down. Maybe it’s time to make some changes. Time to find some balance. But I don’t know, this whole month can just be chalked up to unfinished thoughts.