I hate to do this, as it is a negation of my willing absence here. But it is a meaningful moment, that echoes through my body at the moment. It is a need that I must fill for selfish reasons. I’m emotionally empty, and drained but I the tears and the staggered breaths will not end.

Tuesday, February 18th, 2014: About 11PM our dog fell down the open stair into the basement. We don’t know what she was doing that caused her to fall, nobody was downstairs. She didn’t so much as let a single noise out, just a series of loud thumps like someone threw a log down the stairs. When we brought her up stairs, she was dazed for about 10 minutes. We took her to the vet the following day, because there was blood in her urine. All tests came back fine, just some bruised tissue in her hind legs.

Thursday, February 20th, 2014: She was still alive and seemingly on the mend, though still quite and stiff. She went down stairs after I left, and my parents couldn’t find her for a while. My stepfather brought her upstairs and she was week, and laid on the couch with him for a few hours. About 2:30PM she evacuated her bladder, beside him; almost undoubtedly this was the moment she passed, in her sleep and without suffering. He picked her limp body up, and took her to the vet where they massaged her heart and gave her a shot of adrenaline, but it was too late by then. So he asked them to do an autopsy to see what caused it. She had bruised tissue on her kidneys, bladder, and hind legs, but the cause appears to have been a bloodclot that passed to her heart.

(sorry for editting after this, I can’t see through the tears that have overwhelmed my eyes)

When I first saw her, I was disappointed, we already had dogs, and I didn’t feel we needed anymore. It was the day I came home from college, my mother had brought her along, cause she didn’t have anyone to watch her. She was just a little white fluffball, with a mean streak. She was so energetic, though less so recently as she aged. After a bath she would run up and down the halls, and jump on my bed, where I’d catch her in the blankets, and she’d nip at my hands. I’d be acting like there was another dog nipping at her and she’d nip right back, then I’d uncover her and she’d jump right at me and give me kisses.

She was a perfect dog, energetic, but not exhaustingly sow, playful but not mean, though she was constantly growling at any noise she heard. It’s going to be much too quite with her gone. And I’m going to miss her comfort, whenever someone passed away or I was too stressed by the situations around me, I’d grab her and cuddle. Just another heartbeat close to mine. She was the sanity I needed when I no longer had sanity myself. She would be my comfort in times such as these, so now this moment is the most uncomfortable I’ve had in a long time.

She will be missed, and I knew I loved her without letting her go. It was much too soon, she was only 6. And that it was an accident hurts, one that we don’t know what happened, more than anything.

Rest in Peace Curly Sue. Rest in Peace. March 2008 – February 20th, 2014

P.S. – In regard to my absence, I had planned to move the blog, but I’ve just haven’t had time. And when I’ve wanted to post, it’s mostly been negative points, such as this, which isn’t what I wanted to aim for. It was always meant to be a point of philosophy, growth, and optimism. Sadly, this post was too much and I needed to share, for my own posterity.