I found this old post that I removed from the internet several months ago on a CD containing a lot of my former works that expounded on the raw emotional insights of my life. I wrote it at the end of Thanksgiving Break ’07 and I have, since, found a small sense of self motivation that helps me keep going. (Mild use of highly vulgar language within.)
During break, I took the time to understand why I’m not doing well in school. Since school began, I’ve found that I have no standard for self-motivation. This lacking sector therefore has caused quite a bit of strife in my life. So I went in search of a solution for my problem.
Quite frankly, the problem I found is I lack any reason to give a fuck about anything related to myself if another is not getting anything from it. Now I’m not saying I’m a selfless person, because that’s not true, I achieve my highest potential when acting in a selfless regard by which I normally benefit from the action itself. I find that I’m am merely a mediocre being with the potentiality to achieve above most peoples standards if I choose to. This brings forth my dilemma, I don’t give a fuck about achieving anything if I don’t feel it helps someone other than me.
It’s been this way for years I was merely mediocre in high school only achieving about a 3.0 on average. However, when it came to achieving for the chance to please another I was capable to achieve almost a 4.0, if only to prove myself to another I expressed my potential. I have adopted this methodology once again in an attempt to try and achieve more than merely mediocre. The problem in doing this is that I now have no one in which I would wish to prove myself to, no reason to achieve above mediocrity for.
I have turned to an unlikely source for motivation my ex. The reason I have chosen her is because she is the only thing that I ever wished to achieve anything for. The problem is I understand that I have about a 0% chance of ever re-achieving anything with her. I fail to want to prove to her knowing this. However, with nowhere else to turn I shall turn to the one source of past inspiration for the future inspiration of my
life fleeing from mediocrity.
The realization that everything that I seek means nothing to me in any sense. I am not worried about money, except to live from, I seek no indulgences outside my personal vices which I have begun to abstain from. I feel that everything shall fall together as it may and I really have no reason to try and influence the cosmos’ actions to affect myself. I seek no reason for life, life is what it is there shall be no reason in seeking the unseekable, I shall just live it.
The realization that one shall not try to change another’ view of life unless it would be beneficial to the other party to see life as something else. The influence one has on others should provide a more meaningful presence or essence to that persons life.
The realization that I have no reason to worry about anything no reason to wonder what could happen, just wait to see what will. I mean if you were to worry yourself with the wonder you will have wasted the time you could have been experiencing what happened or enjoying something else while waiting.
“Memories are nothing, Memories are everything, Memories are what was and will be.”